Dear God,

Why do I fuck things up like this. I don't know what to do now, I'm scared. I'm bitter, I'm angry at myself.
For letting things come to this. It's awful. And I am at a loss. Help?

Dear God,

I feel so down.
I don't know why I feel this way. I wish i knew how to make it go away.
Lord, won't you comfort me and help me feel hopeful?
I have thoughts of despair and I feel like dying, this feels chronic.
I have no reason to feel like this, I don't. Yet I do. Why is it so difficult?

Grant me strength Lord.

Amen.

Dear God,

I'm so messed up. I hate that I can't stand up for myself.
I feel pent up.

Release me. :(

Amen.

Dear God,

I haven't been blogging to you, I'm sorry.
I have been feeling slightly distant from You and I know it's my fault for drifting.
Lord there is so much on my mind today.
Today's meeting with Jef shook me up a little. It made me take another look at myself.
Am I really ready?
Lord I believe I heard you right when you said that I can do this and you would prosper me. Assure me Lord, and grant me peace in all the decisions we will make. Thank you Lord.

I also want to pray for Von's marathon, that you grant her incredible strength and wisdom for her run.
Heal her from all sickness and virus. Lord you are Good!

Amen

Dear God,

Thank you for giving me insight and telling me what I should do.

There were a lot of things happening today in my head and I guess I'm not gonna apprentice with Julian anytime soon. I'm gonna work and be a good pastry chef. Then I'll open my place one day.

Lord all my plans, ambitions and hope, I surrender into Your hands. It's amazing what you're doing in my life, and I know that I will be made whole and be healed.

I will concentrate on getting better, and upgrading my skills.

Apple said that I can go back to doing full time work, I'm looking forward to getting better and working. I am glad that Jem is willing to take me back. Yay! :) and maybe, I'll be promoted. :D

Isn't that so cool.

Thank you God!

Amen

Dear God,

I'm aching and it hurts so bad. It's so hard to be strong. There's nothing anyone could have done to make me not have suicidal thoughts. These suicidal thoughts have been plaguing my mind since I first looked down from the window in my bedroom when I was 7 or eight. I thought I would go to hell if I killed myself, but I tried banging my head on the wall anyway. I saw someone die from that in a drama serial.

Lord I know I am not meant to be tormented by these thoughts and depression. I know that this life is destined for more. I release these burdens to you Lord, those that I can identify and even those that I am unaware about. Take them Lord, and make me whole. I bind these suicidal thoughts in Your name, I bind the spirit of brokenness in Your name,  I pray that you will mend the voids in my life and be my strength through all that I face.

I thank you also for giving me a friend in Yvonne. You have made her the closest friend I've ever had. It hurt so much to see her wounds so raw, I know she was hurting so bad and I don't ever want to hurt her in that manner, ever. Lord I promised her that I won't take my life, You are my strength and refuge, I know I will honor this promise with Your help.

I pray also that you would nurse her wounds that are still so raw, and help me be a friend to her in times of low and sadness. I have grown to love her so much Lord, I know this friendship is Your work, and I thank you for blessing me immensely with this relationship.

Continue to grant us strength and comfort in this time of ache, I know we will emerge victors in You.

In Christ's name,
Amen

Dear God,

I am feeling afraid. Afraid of this familiar feeling of wanting to give in to the temptations of death.

When I was a child, I had contemplated suicide countless times, but I thought that it was a sin that would banish me to hell. And I did not want to go to hell. Hence I stayed alive. God, I could have died.

Now I'm just so tired, I have grown up and I know that my soul is saved. Lord I want to give up. This burden is too much for me to bear. The depression is so painful and I ache but I cannot cry. Take this away Lord, I am so afraid to reach the point where I admit that there's nothing anyone could have done to change my fate, a foolish decision to take my own life, and hurt many others along with it. I'm sorry.

Lord please help me.

In Christ's name I pray,
Amen

Dear God,

May tomorrow's session be okay.

I pray for Coal and Carrot to get along and be friends. I'm looking forward to them playing together. :D

Thank you for being with me and blessing me with people who care about me. Lord I'm looking forward to getting better and being whole.

You are awesome and powerful Lord, I just want more of you in my life. Please guide me in my career choices and teach me what to do. Should I be vegan? Can I be vegan?

Lord help me with this decision.

In Christ's name,
Amen

Dear God,

I have been feeling down. This depression feels chronic.

What should I do now? I am afraid to start that spiral downward again. My heart feels burdened, why Lord? I can't seem to put my finger on this. I don't feel like living. I feel like I wanna end it all because I am so tired. So fucking tired.

Where do I go from here?

Dear God,

Thank you for taking me through this week. It's been a difficult week and I thank you for all the people in my life that helped me through this darkness.

Lord though I feel terrible sometimes, You are still an awesome God and it is only though You that everything will be resolved.

I didn't go for pink dot this year, I felt that it would be conflicting with my beliefs and conviction that I was not born gay, and that circumstances made me this way. Lord please be with me and teach me what to do and what to say when confronted with gay situations or people trying to dissuade me from my decision to lead a heterosexual life style. I can even stay single for life if it means not acting on my homosexual tendencies.

I'm afraid Lord. But You are my strength, my fortress, my courage.

I want to pray for Yvonne and family that you continue to be with them through this time of grieving, comfort them and fill that void with assurance and good feelings. Aunty is in heaven and Lord she is happy with You, just as mama is.

In Your mighty name,
Amen

Dear God,

It's been a tough day, and I am feeling pretty exhausted.

If I really need to be admitted into a hospital, Lord I pray you be with me and the doctors that will be charge of my care. I'm feeling frightened, and I don't know how to handle this. Definitely not by my own strength but Yours, Lord.

I'm at a loss of words. I pray for courage, strength, bravery.

I know you love me so, and I love you too God, immensely. Thank you for everything.

In Jesus's name,
Amen

Dear God,

This week has been hard. I am tired Lord, from everything that's happened.

Lord I don't know how long I can hold up like this, it's kinda taking a toll on me. I'm not strong enough Lord, and it is only by Your strength that I can be well. Grant me wisdom, physical strength and all that control that I need to survive.

And I also want to pray fervently for Von and her family as they go through this period of mourning. My heart aches to see her so sad. But Lord, just like how You took mama home. I'm comforted that Yvonne's mother is now safe in Your arms. You're such a great God.

Heal the earthy wounds Lord, comfort the earthy grieving and give strength to those who weep. Lord you are wonderful, and I praise You for all that You are and have done for me and will do for me Lord, cause you love me so much, more than i can ever imagine.

Love Beat,
Amen

Dear God,

Things are getting hard for me. I have been so anxious and tired. It is my fear that I'd do something irrational, yet again. And I thank you for putting people in my life to help me.

Von's mother just passed on and she's feeling awful. It happened so suddenly. Lord I pray that you grant peace to Von and her family, grant them comfort and strength to tide through this difficult time. Lord it hurts that she's so sad and I pray that you will give me the right words to say, help me do the right things to make things better for her. And Lord I thank you for taking Von's mum home peacefully, just like you did with mama.

This whole episode reminds me of mama, and how she died with us at her bedside. I still grieve, but I thank you Lord for assuring me/us that she is safe with you, free in heaven. Y'know, I can't wait to go to heaven. Are there dinosaurs in heaven? I'd like to ride on a Triceratops like Cera, perhaps own one as a pet. That'd be so cool, God.

Lord I know the way I am feeling is not what you mean for. You will is for me to be whole again, and God I promised Von that I wouldn't try and take my life. Lord help me to be strong enough to reject these suicidal considerations regardless of how difficult it will be. I'm so tired Lord, and I know you give strength to the weary.

Thank you for helping me stay smoke free these three and a half weeks. I think I can do this. With your help, I will conquer.

My heart aches for the grieving the Loh family has to go through, Lord shelter and comfort them with your love.

In Your most mighty name,
Amen

Dear God,

Protect Yvonne and colleague, body and soul from all evil. Protect their bodies, cars, possessions and property from all danger. You are King of land, water, sky and man. Cover Yvonne and friend with your blood and surround them with your angels, protect and guide them in all their activities and keep them safe.

In Your most mighty name,
Amen

Dear God,

I thank you for today, for being with me and making today Panic free!

We have new people at work today Lord, and it's really cool that I have help now. I pray that you would help us click and get along well as colleagues and maybe even friends! I think I can learn a lot from Jan too.

God, I have this issue about behaving like a boy. I feel like I had given the boys at work the "it's okay to disturb me" vibe. They have been pretty physical with me, it used to set me off in Panic, but now that my Panic symptoms are getting better, I don't exhibit so much of that anymore. But it's probably an issue of respect between male and female now. I am a girl and I acknowledge that, but it is my demeanor and the way I act that probably made them think it's okay to be this physical with me. Lord I don't really know how to handle this situation, and I pray for wisdom and guidance to know what to do and how to react in a way that's not so inviting. Getting shoved around and all, touched all over like we're all boys. It's fine cause I got used to it, but it is wrong and disrespectful. That i understand. I feel so conflicted. Lord, be with me tomorrow and teach me what to do.

Love you Lord, for all that You are, and all that You've done for me!
Amen.

Dear God,

Because Lord I find it hard to speak. I know you hear me here. Thank you for being so real in my life, and giving me courage that I know can only come from You!

Thank you Lord for providing me with help, and I am so thankful to have Yvonne as a friend. Bless her Lord, with energy and wisdom for her work and the decisions that she has to make. I thank You for her support and love and sacrifice, it's been amazing having someone walk this road with me. And this can only be You, Lord.

It's been a rough time these years and I know that things will get better now Lord because you have begun your work in me and I will be made whole. Lord I believe in Your healing, and that you mean for me to be restored. Lord I pray that you will continue to give me strength and courage to face the days and challenges before me. Be my comfort and shelter, all of my days Lord they belong to You!

Lord I pray for Wenqi, for I know that she's facing some challenges in her life now although I am not sure what. I pray that you give her wisdom to make decisions, the right decision that Lord You want her to make.

I pray for the patients in Vietnam, their families, the doctors, nurses and everyone involved in the operations of the hospital. Lord I know they lack resources and equipment. Lord I know these patients are suffering and I feel their pain. I am not sure what exactly I should pray about for them Lord, but my heart just aches knowing that they are suffering cancer in such conditions, Lord grant them peace, show them Your love Lord. For that is probably the only thing that can make anything better.

Lord you are awesome, and I love you to bits!
Amen.